Feed My Frankenstein

Please allow me take up but a  minute of your time to explain something to everyone.

This is Frankenstein:

This is Frankenstein’s Monster:

Frankenstein:

Frankenstein’s Monster:

FRANKENSTEIN IS THE DOCTOR!

THE MONSTER IS NOT CALLED FRANKENSTEIN!

HE’S JUST A MONSTER GODDAMMIT GODDAMMIT

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all, thank you for your time.

 

You Don’t Know What You Got Till’ it’s Gone

Well, now that I’m over the shock of my loss, I can finally put my sorrow into words.

The day started out like any other, I woke up to my alarm at 5:30, I showered, got dressed, and headed out the door. I pulled into the Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot, like I do every work day, and stepped through the door. I walked up to the counter, and looked anxiously across the counter to the muffin rack. I knew what I wanted, but I still like to just appreciate all the different muffins before I order my one, my only, Banana Nut Muffin.

But something happened, I couldn’t find the Banana Nut Muffin tray. This wasn’t that unusual, I’m always there pretty early, and sometimes they wouldn’t be ready with all the muffins right away. I turned to woman behind the counter and asked her if she had any Banana Nut Muffins. She looked at me and said, “No more Banana Nut Muffins.”

Perplexed, I asked her what she could possible mean by “No more Banana Walnut Muffins”. She answered, “No more Banana Nut Muffins, the stopped making them.”

I was devastated.

“But, but they’ll make them again right?” I asked with tears in my eyes.

“I don’t think so.” she said.

“Fine, I’ll take a Chocolate Muffin.”

My heart was breaking inside, the chocolate chips tasted like acid in my mouth.

I had sometime before work started, so at my desk, I wrote Dunkin’ Donuts an e-mail about my traumatic experience that morning.

Here is that letter:

On my recent (and daily) visit to Dunkin’ Donuts I was shocked to learn that my favorite muffin, the Banana Walnut muffin, has been regrettably discontinued? I’ve been enjoying your Banana Walnut muffins for 20 years, and I’m confused on why such a delicious muffin would cease to be?

Several weeks later, this was the response I received:

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for taking the time to contact Dunkin’ Donuts. In an effort to continue to serve high

quality products to our customers that represent an excellent value, we are testing some changes

on the menu such as retiring some of our lower volume items. We value your feedback and hope that

you will continue to provide it in the future.

We apologize for any inconvenience and hope that you will try some of our other delicious Dunkin’

Donuts products.

Thanks again for taking the time to contact us.

Have a great day.

Jennifer

Customer Relations Coordinator

Reference # 7354703

Oh wow! Thanks “Jennifer” for your obviously not automated response to my serious Muffin related question!
I didn’t even get a fucking coupon!
And what do they replace my most beloved muffin with?

Caramel Fucking Apple!

It’s pretty good, but still! BANANA FUCKING WALNUT FUCKING MUFFIN!!!

True Colors, and That’s Why I Love You

So I’m watching Color Splash right now on HGTV, and I thought I’d expand a little on why I love David Bromstad and why I would love to be his best friend and go shopping with him and go out to fancy bars for fancy alcoholic drinks.

The show Color Splash is just amazing by the way, David Bromstad brings rooms together beautifully, and his color choices are always genius. I love the show too because the commercials, intro, and bumps throughout the show always pick out the parts of the show with a lot of “drama” and really make it look like David Bromstad is going to have to open up a “rage red” paint can full of whoop ass  all over someone’s face, but when you watch the show the dude is so laid back you really have to wonder what the hell the producers are thinking when they put these bumps together. Personally, if I didn’t know David Bromstad personally, I would think he was a total drama queen bitch!

Luckily this is not the case, and what comes forth is David Bromstad’s true personality, he’s still kind of a drama queen, but like how cutesy girls can be harmless trouble makers, he’s not an Elton John level Bitch, like the show’s producers would like you to believe.

After I wrote that sentence I turn around to hear David Bromstad talking about how his producers can bug the hell out of him, ha!

Dude also does some crazy shit where he paints a unique picture, whether it be on canvas or a wall mural, and gives it to the home owners  as a gift. But the thing is he always takes out a spray bottle and sprays the painting with water and makes a cool design out of it. Hm, actually I guess that might be why the show is called Color Splash, I learned something new today!

Anyway if you like home design shows you can’t go wrong with Color Splash, and David Bromstad is so funny, that I seriously can’t stop myself from squealing and clapping my hands together whenever he does something really cute!

If there was one man who was a greater painter and made me more happy than David Bromstad, it was this great man:

God I miss him ;_;

I Like the Way You Move

Would you like another reason for why Canada is awesome? I’ll give it to you:

Samantha Pynn

Samantha Pynn is probably the cutest host of any show on HGTV ever, ever.  I dare say she might even be the cutest television host ever. She is just so adorable and cute that I hope she searches google for “I love Samantha Pynn” and she finds my blog and immediately falls in love with me and my quirky, yet masculine, personality and ruggedly hansom good looks.

It’s the way she  moves and carries herself that I find most attractive. She also dresses very well and professionally. Let me show you an example:

See? That little head wiggle and the wink! Ooooooh I just wanna hug her! And other things but I won’t get into those because if Samantha Pynn does read this I don’t want her to know the things I wanna do to her until after we’ve been going out for awhile, possibly after we go antique furniture shopping will I finally divulge that I would like to lick ice cream from between her cleavage.

Second cutest HGTV host? David Bromstad!

Delicious!

Sir Bubb of Rubb and Lady Sis

” The Whistle Tips produce a sound similar to a Whistle, a ‘whoo’ if you will.”

“The sound produced is strong due to the air flow through the metal transfixed the exaust pipe.”

“Indeed. The Whistle Tip is for decoration only, to enhanse the driving experience.  I have it installed on my automobile as well.”

“Too loud? Sir, that is only in the early hours of the morning. If anything, this will allow lazy roustabouts to awaken from slumber, and cook their lonesome meals for themselves and their families.”

“Oh Dear! My hat and monocle have left my head!”

I’m Turning Japanese

This is why Japan rules.

Golden Girl

Bea Arthur died today,  she was 86

Rest well Lady Arthur, rest well, you were always a friend.

Fell In Love with a Girl

My various gods I love the Internet!!!!!

A little while ago I told you about the tragedy that was my Town LEGO getting eaten by a squirrel minion sent to destroy me by their Lord and Master The Evil  Squirrel King, Squirrr.

Well unfortunately most of my LEGO instruction booklets were in the same box the evil bastard decided to set up the dimensional vortex that would allow the Evil Squirrel King Squirrr to cross over from his planet, Acornia, to ours.

Well, seeing that I’m the one kid who bought LEGOs to actually build what was on the box, the loss of the booklets worried me. What if by some freak occurrence, the shelf my glorious LEGO’s sat upon suddenly collapsed, sending tiny Castle masonry bricks and small Space men hurtling all over the room? So incidental I became obsessed with making sure they were all secure, especially when I moved to another state and had to pack them all up in boxes!

Well, just recently I came I decided all my LEGO’s away in storage bins, taking special care not to destroy any of them.

But, oh wondrous wonders! The Internet has all of my LEGO booklets that I lost, for free!

http://www.peeron.com/

Yay! Now I don’t have to worry about them! Plus I can now build some kind of giant Castle when I eventually lose my mind from boredom! That’s right, I still consider myself sane!

IMAGINE IF I REALLY DID LOSE MY MIND!!!!

Best Friend

Firstly, I did not make this! I just wanted to share, I thought it was cute.

I seriously cried the first time I read this, I still get a little choked up!

All Hail Saint Caffiene

Oh lord, I just downed a cup of cold coffee that was sitting on my desk (i.e. cheaply made Swedish crap box) for about a half an hour and I feel like I’m going to throw up. So instead of  vomiting my dinner, I will vomit up a story in a poor excuse for a blog post.

Long ago in ancient times, there lived a young squire named Roland McDerment. Roland was the yound ward to a mighty and noble Knight, whose name was Sir Kilganon Wolfsbain. But this story is not about either of them.

Instead, sit back and I will tell you a story about a  young man named Flabslapper, and his adventourous journey through the Land of the Internet!

One fateful day Flabslapper was hanging out in his room playing Nightmare Creatures on his Nintendo 64 and listening to Offspring when he heard a knocking at the door.

“Who doth knocketh on my chamber door?” questioned Flabslapper.

“It be thine humble Package Deliverer my Lord.” the man answered.

Elated, Flabslapper opened the door and lo! the Package Deliverer had a rather large box in wait.

“What be in thine box humble Package-keep?” Flabslapper inquired.

“It be thine Computer Machine my Lord.”

“Egad! But I did not expect such a wondrous surprise today!” exclaimed Flabslapper.

“Look kid you gonna sign for this thing or you going to keep acting all queer ye old English on me all day?” asked the Mail Mage angrily.

“But of coarse my dear sir!”

As Flabslapper signed the Envelope Knight’s magic lightning tome, the Mail Magician left post haste on his winged steed.

Left alone on the front porch, Flabslapper proceded to install the Magic Box that would lead him to the world which was made of equal parts peril and covetus treaasure: The Land of the Internet!

After many hours of sweating over diagrams of color-coded wizardry, Flabslapper finally turned on the electronic beast. But what to do first? Surely this was not Flabslapper’s first time in the Internet, but those other times he was part of a band of heroes, who boldly infiltrated “Chat Rooms” and pretended to be women so as to uncover dark secrets from the men who were also pretending to be women that resided inside.

But this time young Flabslapper was alone! Luckily,  he remembered what another young adventurer had told him: “When entering yonder Internets, go in search of Pornography, it’s the only thing you’ll ever need.”

On aproaching the site, Flabslapper was taken aback my the wonton nudity and expicit sexual acts depicted there in.

“Ye Gods!” exclaimed Flabslapper, “No longer will I need to resort to watching Spanish Soap Operas, and perusing yonder Sears catalogue for my penile needs! Hazaah!”

And thus young Flabslapper’s love affiar of the Pornagraphic arts flurished for many years!

This concludes my cold coffee ramblings for tonight, tune in next time for when I foolishly drink my entire supply of Simpsons and Nintendo energy drinks!