Shooting At The Walls of Heart Ache

Well I told myself I would never use my blog to wage any personal crusades against anyone, and I promised myself I would never use this blog to complain about anything more than a crappy video game or TV show…but I really gotta ask this to my loyal readers out there: Are all TV shows about Hunting hosted by complete and total psychotics?

Now before I piss anybody off, I have nothing against the sport of Hunting, and I would never speak ill of Hunters because I know a few personally and they are very respectful and eat what they kill or donate what they kill to soup kitchens and the homeless.

And I’m not some hippie tree hugging fruitcake either. I loves me some meat. Even though I would never  kill an animal for sport, hell, I don’t even like killing insects, rest assured if I were starving to death there would be no stopping me from bludgeoning a basket full of adorable puppies so that I would have something to eat to survive.

Every last one, right between their cute, tear encrusted eyes.

But see, that’s my point, my problem isn’t with the average Hunter, a person that kills for the sport and eats the spoils, its with these nut case Hunters on television. I was watching a show today about a man hunting a Bighorn Sheep. The whole time he’s talking about how beautiful this animal is, how majestic, so what does he do to show his appreciation for his beloved beast? Shoots it in the lung so it dies terrified and full of pain; all the while saying what a beautiful animal it is.

Look at that cute motherfucker! He definitely needed to die!

Anyone else think this guy might have a problem? A mental problem? He seems to be one bad day away from hunting beautiful women and killing them.

“You are so beautiful, too beautiful for this world in fact, that is why I must shoot you in the lung so as to not damage your beauty. Sooooooooooooo B. A. Utiful.”

So let me know what you think, I’d like to hear some honest feedback on this, and I apologize for being so serious.

Dammit Joker I already apologized, what more do you want!?

My Horrible Secret Revealed

Flabslapper and Awesomeo are escaped circus freak Siamese Twins

Punch Sanity in the Throat

So I thought about this long and hard, even did a little research into the subject. I called my ex about anime and boners and she said, “I don’t know, everything gives you a boner.” Indeed it does.

So when I thought about it, it pretty much went like this: crush, boner, punching the clown to a cartoon lady

So my first cartoon crush, and what would subsequently shape what I look for in real womens, was, big surprise Daria.

Now I know, Daria? Not exactly what you would expect right? But yeah I think she’s cute, and i really like her personality and voice…oh god that voice! I like how she’s sacrcastic but she can be really cute too, like when she liked that dude and she wanted to kiss him but she got embarressed and starting blushing eeeee! So cute! Incedently my ex used to look exactly like her and still has the same kind of voice…I think I have a problem.

Now my first cartoon boner would have to go to Pixie from Monster Rancher.

Again, she had that deep sexy woman voice, like that famous actress I can’t remember the name of, but she also had the added bonus of being half naked AND having demon wings and horns. Oh man, demon chicks get me every. fucking. time. EVERY TIME

So here’s the naughty part, the part you all wanted to hear: the anime I only the lonely to:

OK, first off, if you’ve never seen Golden Boy, you need to like rent this right away, this shit is hilarious.

So like every episode centers around Golden Boy traveling around Japan on his bike working odd jobs. Just so happens that every job he finds always has a hot girl. These girls is a different ‘type’, Tease, Girl Next Door, Athletic, etc. Well, one girl had me at hello, as it were: The motorcycle chick:

Fuckin’ chick gets off on revving her motorcycle! FUCK YES. I’ve always enjoyed that sort of thing, girls getting themselves off and what not.

There is a later scene that obviously I couldn’t find on youtube, but oh ho ho ho man holy shit.

So there you have it, now its just a fucking free-for-all with anime chicks with the internet and me being so lo-lo-LONELY!! ;_; BAAAAAWWWWWWWW!

Bravo My Friend

HA! I have to admit that would have been pretty funny if I were Awesomeo!

If I was going to do that I would have created a girl so she could say stuff like, “Flabslapper, you are so awesome and totally sexy, would you like me to give you a blowgie?” Because that never happens to me in real life…

And I’m definitly doing JoshC suggestion, although everything gives me boners, so I’ll have to think about that. And when I say evertything, that includes Mustangs for some reason, the car, not the horse…that would just be weird.

I was planning about doing ‘Cartoon Crush’ posts, but I didn’t want people to accuse me of ripping of X-E Matt, but that guy ignores me anyway, so what the fuck right?

So yeah when I get home form work, I’ll get right on that, but seriously I gotta think about that, what was the first Anime to do that? Oh wait I remember, haha, oh man…

And hell, I’m still open for more suggestions, I gotta keep my three readers happy! Right Awesomeo? That’s right Flabslapper! OH CRAP THE JIG IS UP

I Know I’m Going to Regret This…

I’m a talentless hack so I thought I’d leave my next post to you, the readers! Your suggestion or question can be about anything, and I will write about it! You know…within reason…nothing illegal please. So I guess the first person to comment with their suggestion is the winner, good luck!

An Open Letter to Awesomeo

Hm, well, Awesomeo seems to be having a little problem with my posts lately. Well! I’m sorry! I’m sorry I can’t be witty and cool like other bloggers 100% of the time! You know, I slave all day over at the warehouse, and when i come home and write a post, all I ask for a little sympathy, a little respect! Is that too much to ask! Sure, I know you work hard too, keeping the house clean, raising our three adopted Chinese babies, and I know you’re tired too honey, but so am I! Well, I can only take so much abuse, I want a divorce!

Oh, don’t look at me like that, baby, you’re right, I may have flew a little off the handle there…you were just expressing your opinion and I should respect that, its just that…its just that I really half-assed my ass off on that post, and you just don’t seem to care. But that’s OK, I still love you, come here honey, lets make a baby of our own. Mmm, oh yeah, oh right there, you know what I like baby, ooh, open that drawer next to the futon, thats right baby, I got that thing you like, I’ll go get the hot candle wax, you get the spurs.

Just promise me one thing, don’t tell JoshC about us, he just wouldn’t understand our love.

1:06 AM – 1:53 AM

So I can’t sleep, or rather, I don’t feel like sleeping for some reason, so I’m going to type nonsense about the most perfect food ever invented

Muffins are amazing. There is no better food than those soft, sweet, squishy dessert-like breakfast snack goodness. The best thing about muffins is that you can make a muffin out of anything. I once had a fudge and cream cheese muffin from the Coffee Beanery. Fuck yeah. The best thing about the Coffee Beanery are the cute high school girls that work there that make my pants get tight for reasons I don’t quite understand.

If I had three wishes, these would be my three wishes. No, not these three girls…although…

Wish number One: I would wish for my own private island that I could live on forever. It would be an awesome sandy beach island that has cool dinosaurs that would be my friends and not eat me.

Wish number Two: I would wish for my island to be inhabited by various cute naked girls of various ethnic backgrounds and breast sizes that were also nymphomaniacs. They would feed me and give me back rubs and blow jobs and I would rub their shoulders and feet too because I am not a selfish lover.

Wish Number Three: I would wish for my island to have a magical muffin tree that would grow an endless assortment of delicious muffins long after the end of time. These muffins would include:

1. Chocolate Chip

2. Blue Berry

3. Corn

4. Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip

5. Bacon and Cheese (I can’t believe these actually exist, Jesus Jumped-up Fuck Pants)

6. Orange Cranberry

7. Bran (even though they make me shit a brick)

8. Double Bacon Chocolate Chip

I hope that whenever the Sandman blesses me with sweet, sandy slumber, he allows me to dream of my endless sex muffin island, and I hope I never wake up ever again. Except maybe periodically so that I can update my blog for my fans.

Also Shin-Chan is a fucking hilarious show.

Taming the Beast

While eating pretzels.

Like a Vagina

The first time JoshC and I met eh?

Well the way I remember it, see, is I was sailing through the universe on my rocket rainbow shark, Friggly, in search of strange new alien women to impregnate. This day was special though. I saw an unusual planet in the distance. The planet looked as if two planets had collided, shaping an almost, double planet. Like a plump apple butt.

Curious, I flew towards the planet, wondering what erotic inhabitants might live there. But lo, before I could safely land my rainbow shark, a mighty comet smashed into my side, killing my faithful fish, and sending me drastically off coarse. I floated forever through the harsh unforgiving waste of Space, when finally I saw a light in the distance. As I floated nearer, I saw a singular log cabin, with a red maple leaf painted on the roof.

I slowly opened the door, and was met with the heavenly aroma of maple syrup and marijuana smoke. I looked around the room, but saw no one. Suddenly, the door swings open behind me, I turn, and see a mighty man riding a monstrous moose appear in the doorway.

‘WHO BE YE?’ the man’s voice thunders,

“I be me, Flabslapper, mighty vanquisher of all heavenly vaginae across the cosmos.”

The man laughs, “HA! LIES! For I am the slayer of the slit the minstrels will sing of till the end of time!”.

I ponder this statement over in my mind. Surely this man is impressive, but no man is greater at the horizontal hey-hey than I.

“A challenge I bequeath unto you my mighty friend!”

He bellows, “I’m listening!”

“He who knocketh up the most maidens across the stars in one day may hold the title of Mighty ManWhore!”

“I accept your challenge, for you will surely lose!” he says confidently.

So we set off, him on his mighty moose, me, having my only means of conveyance destroyed, set off on my divining rod, by which i mean my penis, and set forth for victory. Oh, and how many women we slew. The Tentacle Women of Garzonia gave me a little trouble, but only because I enjoyed their unforgettable art of ‘A Thousand Reach Arounds’, did I never want to leave. But leave I did, for the Three Breasted Juggodoans, The Mile Wide Viganachins, the Futa-torians, and the planet full of those really cute Hot Topic goth chicks I love so very much, you know, not those totally goth girls, the fake kinds that wear dark eye-liner and 80’s TV show t-shirts that are a size too small. Mmmm.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so the day was nearly through, so I returned to the log cabin, where I found the man sitting calmly in his recliner, drinking a Molson Dry and enjoying his free health care.

“So how many alien women did you virtuously bang my friend?”

He paused, took a deep breath, and answered “One hundred million billion.”

My jaw dropped. “That’s one more than I slept with! My ManWhore King, what is your name so that I may tattoo it on my penis? “

He answers, “JoshC.”

“I bow to you JoshC, my King.”

And then he punched me in the back of the head and said “That’s for all the Canadian jokes.”

And that’s how JoshC and I met.

I Got You Babe

Just letting every one know I’m still alive…just bereft of blog ideas