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Archive for June, 2008

Zombie Nation

June 28, 2008 6 comments

WARNING: A pic in here might not be entirely worksafe, depends on your sense of humor. I don’t want to be the dick that gets you fired…yet.

The thing I look forward to the most of the future is the inevitable zombie Apocalypse. Now I know what your thinking, why would somebody look forward to something that by all documented evidence would be a most horrific ordeal to experience? Well, the answer is simple my friend: I don’t want to go out like a bitch. My biggest fear? Dying quietly in a retirement home for old peoples. Not to say that living in a retirement home would be entirely bad, I mean, I would be taken care of constantly, I’d be fed, cleaned, I’d never have to wipe my own ass like a sucker, and all that prime, over ripened old lady ass just walking around in their loose bath robes…but I digress.

Anyway, seriously, how cool would it be to witness the end of the world? And how cool would it be to be a survivor of the end of the world? You could run around in Spider Man boxers wearing a Hockey Mask while telling other survivors in a deep voice ‘THE BOXERS BANDIT WILL TAKE ALL YOUR GLORBINS’ Glorbins being the currency of smooth pebbles that one would trade for clothing, food, shelter, and sex. Can you imagine how great sex would be after the end of the world? Especially if you don’t get any? Desperate, afraid chicks would be everywhere! Especially if you’re the only survivor with food and guns! Women will gladly trade their vaginae to be protected from the hordes of zombies and mutants! Vaginae being the plural form of vagina, because the most prized mutant women will have more than one vagina. Or more than two boobies.

Now what if your not a survivor? What if your one of the unlucky billions to be turned into a zombie or mutant? Not a problem! I for one, would be ecstatic to become a mutant, especially an unstoppable killing machine mutant. Firstly, what do you give a rampaging mutant about to rip your head off and shit down your neck hole? Anything he wants of coarse!

Although I suppose you’d have to watch out for all those pretty boy tough guys who are trying to rescue the harem of babes and mutant babes you got stashed in your Thunderdome-esque hideout, but just make sure your the King of the Mutants and that way you’ll have plenty of cannon fodder between you and the Hero trying to kill you and retake the world back for humanity.

I even have a name for my queen: ThunderDame, because she’d be all huge knockered and tough and beat people up for me because I am fragile and don’t like direct confrontation unless I am the one behind some kind of laser gun that shoots laser buzz-saws at my enemies.

Now what if you become a member of the horde of the undead? Also not a problem. How easy of a life, un-life, is being a zombie? You get hungry? Eat human flesh! You get tired? Eat human flesh! Get bored? Eat human flesh! Get horny? Well, I’m not sure what to tell you, but you’d better get used to being a necrophiliac real quick, you sick bastard.

I’d definitely love to see the end of the world within my life time. That’s why I’m stocking up on canned foods and weaponry while I can. I’m also developing a vehicle that can carry me great distances without the use of gasoline, but my the use of many, many hamsters in hamster wheels. I call it: The Kill Box, because I’m not that clever and its hard for me to come up with names for things. Well, I suspect I’ve wasted enough of your time for today, I’m just really bored and thought I’d write something completely nonsensical. But these are the things i think about and thought I’d share. You know what else would be cool? Having super powers. My super power would be to be the Grim Reaper but be made out of molten hot magma. I’d also have the power to levitate so that I could levitate over busy intersections and tell people to ‘move along’ and ‘nothing to see here’. Here’s my MSPaint rendition of this.

Exquisite.

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Uh Oh

June 27, 2008 4 comments

Friday already?

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Get Your Ass to Total Recall

June 22, 2008 4 comments

Well, here we go…

If you’ve never seen Total Recall, stop reading this and buy it, rent it, download it, find out who’s watching it and peep through their window – I don’t give a fuck how, but you watch it dammit, you watch it right now!!

This, is without a doubt in my doubt-filled mind, my most favorite movie ever. Whenever this movie is on I have stopped what I was doing and sat down and I watched it. Even if I was receiving oral from God Herself I would gently slap her in the temple and then tell Her to give those lovely lips a rest because I got some Total Recall to enjoy right now, and I can’t be distracted by Your most holy blow jobs. I’m super serious. Ever since I’ve seen this movie I have felt that it is my sworn duty to tell everyone and anyone to give themselves a treat and watch Total Recall. And everyone I’ve suggested this to has in the very least, enjoyed it and said it was a good movie. This has only been two people but by god that makes me 2 for 2.

So why is Total Recall such a great movie? I don’t know, it just is. It resonates on every level of what a great movie should be.

First off, it stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, and no, I didn’t have to look up his name to spell it correctly. I’ll go as far as to say that this is the best movie he has ever acted in. Yeah yeah, I hear some of you out there saying ‘What about Terminator?”. Well I said ‘acted’ not walked around looking bad ass but not saying a goddamn word.

Secondly, this movie is genuinely funny, there are some laugh out loud moments whether intentional or not.

C: Do you like futuristic sexy spy mystery comedy sci-fi mutant robot action? Well brother, your going to get more than your tight little virgin ass can handle!

And fifth, do you like to use movie quotes in arguably appropriate situations? This movie is so quotable that you won’t be able to make an original thought anymore, you’ll just be saying lines from the movie. Whether somebody farts in a crowded elevator – “These people need air!” to when you get invited to your cousin’s coming out party “See you at the party!”

In closing (I’m wrapping this up because i want to watch this movie again right now) In the very least, watch the first 10 minutes of this movie. If you don’t instantly love total Recall, I’ll hate you forever.

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This Is Major Tom

June 21, 2008 6 comments

So I just finished watching ‘The Man Who Fell to Earth’ for the first time, and all I have to say is:

Ho. Lee. Shit.

This was a fucking cool movie, this is a weird movie, but a weird movie that actually follows a basic plot and exhibits great visuals, story telling, and characters. Its not just ‘weird for the sake of being weird hard to follow bullshit’.

Honestly though, if anybody but David Sex God Bowie was in this movie, I might not have liked it as much. There is just something irresistible about the man, I’m not even sure what it is, but i would let him do whatever he wanted with me.

Basically a movie is a hit with me if it includes Arnold Schwarzenegger (except for Collateral Damage, cripes that was shit), Christopher Walken, David Bowie, or Jim Carrey. To my knowledge none of them have been in the same movie at the same. This is because if that were to ever happen, the universe would simply stop. I just imploded a distant star by just typing the idea of them being in the same movie, not to mention creating a virgin birth somewhere on this planet, shortening the life expectancy of anyone reading this, and erasing any chance of me getting another woman to agree to touch my penis in this, or any other lifetime. But these are the risks I take for your entertainment.

If your still reading this, which I doubt, hell I just read what i wrote and thought ‘Goddamn I’m awesome!’ so of course your still reading this! I’ve already told you about a movie that you should watch, now let me tell you about a movie you should never watch, or at least never watch alone and sober:

Don’t let the awesome movie poster fool you. I expected it to be so bad its good, but it was just so bad it was bad. It was badly dubbed over from what I would expect was because they couldn’t afford boom mikes and lavalieres. So that alone was distracting. But the movie was shot weird, like over use of the zoom in zoom out on characters. It made me a little sick.

But, if you still wanna see this, just watch the last 15 or 20 minutes, the last big battle had me on my ass, it was pretty ridiculous.

I think tomorrow I’ll do a little piece on my favorite movie of all time, one that I own, but if it comes on TV, I stop whatever I’m doing and sit down and watch it. Here’s a hint: it stars one of the four actors mentioned above, and a planet very close to our own.

Until next time!

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Beelzebub Has a Devil Put Aside For Me

June 19, 2008 3 comments

Galileo, you have earned my respect! Any friend of the Simpsons is a friend of mine, so here, thought maybe you’d get a kick out of my collection.

I’m definitely going to go into more detail about my love of the Simpsons, I mean hell, I’ve been watching them since I was three years old. They’re like a second family to me, I even had my teenage angst years when I started to rebel against my second family during that really crappy Season 15. The Simpsons have been in my life longer than my own penis has (long story, too long to get into now anyway).

So yeah, look forward to more of my deranged rambling about imaginary people and how I wish I was just a little more yellow, and little more two dimensional. Or at least two dimensional, so I could feel up Raven.

Oh my, If you’ll excuse me for several minutes, something just came up.

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This…

June 18, 2008 6 comments

…is not how I remember this show.

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Milhouse Jumped off a Bridge!?

June 16, 2008 1 comment

So I was thinking about getting a tattoo or three.

Unfortunately I wouldn’t be the first to get a Flying Hellfish Tattoo, besides Grandpa Simpson already having one, I discovered two other schmucks on the Internet who have them too. Oh well, there’s still Bart’s and Homer’s. Fairly certain no one has a ‘Starland Vocal Band’ tattoo, even though ‘Afternoon Delight’ rocks my balls.

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