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Zombie Nation

WARNING: A pic in here might not be entirely worksafe, depends on your sense of humor. I don’t want to be the dick that gets you fired…yet.

The thing I look forward to the most of the future is the inevitable zombie Apocalypse. Now I know what your thinking, why would somebody look forward to something that by all documented evidence would be a most horrific ordeal to experience? Well, the answer is simple my friend: I don’t want to go out like a bitch. My biggest fear? Dying quietly in a retirement home for old peoples. Not to say that living in a retirement home would be entirely bad, I mean, I would be taken care of constantly, I’d be fed, cleaned, I’d never have to wipe my own ass like a sucker, and all that prime, over ripened old lady ass just walking around in their loose bath robes…but I digress.

Anyway, seriously, how cool would it be to witness the end of the world? And how cool would it be to be a survivor of the end of the world? You could run around in Spider Man boxers wearing a Hockey Mask while telling other survivors in a deep voice ‘THE BOXERS BANDIT WILL TAKE ALL YOUR GLORBINS’ Glorbins being the currency of smooth pebbles that one would trade for clothing, food, shelter, and sex. Can you imagine how great sex would be after the end of the world? Especially if you don’t get any? Desperate, afraid chicks would be everywhere! Especially if you’re the only survivor with food and guns! Women will gladly trade their vaginae to be protected from the hordes of zombies and mutants! Vaginae being the plural form of vagina, because the most prized mutant women will have more than one vagina. Or more than two boobies.

Now what if your not a survivor? What if your one of the unlucky billions to be turned into a zombie or mutant? Not a problem! I for one, would be ecstatic to become a mutant, especially an unstoppable killing machine mutant. Firstly, what do you give a rampaging mutant about to rip your head off and shit down your neck hole? Anything he wants of coarse!

Although I suppose you’d have to watch out for all those pretty boy tough guys who are trying to rescue the harem of babes and mutant babes you got stashed in your Thunderdome-esque hideout, but just make sure your the King of the Mutants and that way you’ll have plenty of cannon fodder between you and the Hero trying to kill you and retake the world back for humanity.

I even have a name for my queen: ThunderDame, because she’d be all huge knockered and tough and beat people up for me because I am fragile and don’t like direct confrontation unless I am the one behind some kind of laser gun that shoots laser buzz-saws at my enemies.

Now what if you become a member of the horde of the undead? Also not a problem. How easy of a life, un-life, is being a zombie? You get hungry? Eat human flesh! You get tired? Eat human flesh! Get bored? Eat human flesh! Get horny? Well, I’m not sure what to tell you, but you’d better get used to being a necrophiliac real quick, you sick bastard.

I’d definitely love to see the end of the world within my life time. That’s why I’m stocking up on canned foods and weaponry while I can. I’m also developing a vehicle that can carry me great distances without the use of gasoline, but my the use of many, many hamsters in hamster wheels. I call it: The Kill Box, because I’m not that clever and its hard for me to come up with names for things. Well, I suspect I’ve wasted enough of your time for today, I’m just really bored and thought I’d write something completely nonsensical. But these are the things i think about and thought I’d share. You know what else would be cool? Having super powers. My super power would be to be the Grim Reaper but be made out of molten hot magma. I’d also have the power to levitate so that I could levitate over busy intersections and tell people to ‘move along’ and ‘nothing to see here’. Here’s my MSPaint rendition of this.

Exquisite.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. June 30, 2008 at 5:16 pm

    Well, IF thats how you want to play it mutant/zombie boy, then we are now enemies.

    You see you had no way of knowing this when you made your decision to become one of the undead zombie flesh eaters, but dan and I already have a contingency plan should it come down to it, which of course as we both know, it will.

    Those pretty boy heroes you speak of?

    you’re lookin’ at em Jerkwad!!

  2. flabslapper
    June 30, 2008 at 6:36 pm

    Jerkwad? Jerkwad!? You forget yourself sir! (slaps you with dueling gauntlet) I challenge you to pistols at dawn Sir JoshC!

    In fact, when I get home I will draw our duel in MSPaint.

  3. Dan
    July 1, 2008 at 4:27 am

    But how can we be sure it’s a fair duel if your the one drawing it? I call foul sir and declare Josh the winner for your attempted trickery!!

  4. July 1, 2008 at 4:29 am

    I think he has you on a technicality there, dearest flabslapper.

    I suggest live squids at 20 paces, what say you???

  5. flabslapper
    July 1, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    just for saying ‘live squids at 20 paces’ i will concede the victory to you, along with 40 gold debloons.

  6. July 1, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    Nay!
    I shant except your gold debloons yet sir, I want to see my victory in all its MS Paint glory.

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