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Archive for March, 2009

All Hail Saint Caffiene

March 16, 2009 2 comments

Oh lord, I just downed a cup of cold coffee that was sitting on my desk (i.e. cheaply made Swedish crap box) for about a half an hour and I feel like I’m going to throw up. So instead of  vomiting my dinner, I will vomit up a story in a poor excuse for a blog post.

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Long ago in ancient times, there lived a young squire named Roland McDerment. Roland was the yound ward to a mighty and noble Knight, whose name was Sir Kilganon Wolfsbain. But this story is not about either of them.

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Instead, sit back and I will tell you a story about a  young man named Flabslapper, and his adventourous journey through the Land of the Internet!

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One fateful day Flabslapper was hanging out in his room playing Nightmare Creatures on his Nintendo 64 and listening to Offspring when he heard a knocking at the door.

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“Who doth knocketh on my chamber door?” questioned Flabslapper.

“It be thine humble Package Deliverer my Lord.” the man answered.

Elated, Flabslapper opened the door and lo! the Package Deliverer had a rather large box in wait.

“What be in thine box humble Package-keep?” Flabslapper inquired.

“It be thine Computer Machine my Lord.”

“Egad! But I did not expect such a wondrous surprise today!” exclaimed Flabslapper.

“Look kid you gonna sign for this thing or you going to keep acting all queer ye old English on me all day?” asked the Mail Mage angrily.

“But of coarse my dear sir!”

As Flabslapper signed the Envelope Knight’s magic lightning tome, the Mail Magician left post haste on his winged steed.

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Left alone on the front porch, Flabslapper proceded to install the Magic Box that would lead him to the world which was made of equal parts peril and covetus treaasure: The Land of the Internet!

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After many hours of sweating over diagrams of color-coded wizardry, Flabslapper finally turned on the electronic beast. But what to do first? Surely this was not Flabslapper’s first time in the Internet, but those other times he was part of a band of heroes, who boldly infiltrated “Chat Rooms” and pretended to be women so as to uncover dark secrets from the men who were also pretending to be women that resided inside.

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But this time young Flabslapper was alone! Luckily,  he remembered what another young adventurer had told him: “When entering yonder Internets, go in search of Pornography, it’s the only thing you’ll ever need.”

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On aproaching the site, Flabslapper was taken aback my the wonton nudity and expicit sexual acts depicted there in.

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“Ye Gods!” exclaimed Flabslapper, “No longer will I need to resort to watching Spanish Soap Operas, and perusing yonder Sears catalogue for my penile needs! Hazaah!”

And thus young Flabslapper’s love affiar of the Pornagraphic arts flurished for many years!

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This concludes my cold coffee ramblings for tonight, tune in next time for when I foolishly drink my entire supply of Simpsons and Nintendo energy drinks!

Categories: Uncategorized

Dear Dan

March 10, 2009 1 comment

Just so we’re clear, this is a “We’re still cool, Dan.” response to your Cure comment, not a “I’m breaking up with you, Dan.” response, I realized that might be the impression when I listened to the second half of this song.

Categories: Uncategorized

The Sound of Music: Redux

March 8, 2009 5 comments

There are so many songs that are just fabulous to sing along to in the car, that I thought I should expand my little countdown to ten more songs. So here it goes!

# 10 Weezer – Buddy Holly

I’m not sure what to say about this song, it’s just catchy, and impossibly high vocals are always fun to screech out in traffic.

# 9 The Miracles – Love Machine

Little do people realize, but this song was written about me. Sure it may have been written nine years before I was born, but you see, my love making  and fidelity in a relationship had been prophesied to The Miracles, and thus they were entrusted to tell the world of my skill, which can be described best as a mechanical, robotic vibrating of the pelvic region.

#8 The Toadies – Possum Kingdom

I’ve always loved this song, basically because of it’s mention of our Lord Jesus and the use of threats against a woman’s life to attain her hand in marriage. Basically if I ever trick a chick into marrying me I’m going to play this song at our wedding, this and Closer by Nine Inch Nails.

As a side note, Hellsing is an awesome anime, and this video is way better than the real Possum Kingdom video.

# 7 Kenny Loggins – Danger Zone

I’ve never seen Top Gun, but I have seen Hot Shots, so I don’t think I really need to see Top Gun.

# 6 Men at Work – Overkill

As having some-what paranoid tendencies and anxiety issues myself, I can relate a lot to Men at Work, their music speaks to me, and it tells me to kill, dah I mean adopt a puppy! Yeah that’s it…no I don’t think they suspect anything. What do you mean I should delete that last sentence? Look, it’s getting awefully crowded up there, you think you guys can talk one at a time? HAIL SATAN. Aw cut it out voices in my head! Jesus Christ you and your Satan, I doubt he even knows you exist, so you might as well stop it with all those “blood sacrifices”. Aw nuts to this, what was I talking about before I was rudely interupted? Oh yeah, Men at Work rules!

# 5 The Cure – Boys Don’t Cry


Anybody out there play Kingdom Hearts? Don’t this video remind you of the Heartless with the band all black and red eyed? Just me then? Well I guess that’s like, your opinion man.

# 4 Survivor – Eye of the Tiger

First off let me say that I literally lost all control of my bodily functions watching this video. Survivor just looks so tough walking down the mean streets of Philadelphia with their snarling faces, leather jackets, and rocking 1980’s mullets that just scream, “You want a piece of me? I don’t think so princess!” Honestly, I wet myself from fear. I lay awake at night praying that I don’t run into these guys on the street. I mean, the message of the song tells me that I must challenge them to a fight if I truly want to prove my manhood, but just look at them! They’ll destroy me!

# 3 Conan the Adventurer

All you have to do is watch this intro and you’ll realize why Saturday morning cartoons suck now.

#2 King Arthur and the Knights of Justice

I actually used to hate this show, but because of it’s awesome intro, I had to watch it every time it was on. It was like the Siren’s song, luring me to the island that was King Arthur and the Knights of Justice, little realizing that instead of the promise of wild sex with three hot sisters, I was eaten alive and left to rot in the stomach of the “Football Players Riding Robotic Catapults” beast.

1# Sonic the Hedgehog

If any cartoon exemplifies the very essence of the 1990’s, it would have to be Sonic the Hedgehog.

Radical intro? Check.

Main character with attitude? Check.

Hot naked chick with attitude? Check.

Steve Urkel? That’s a big Check-a-roonie good buddy!

Well there you go, ten more songs to torture you co-workers/spouse/friends with. Why? Becasue they just don’t understand how awesome you are. But I do, because I’m your very best internet buddy. Come on, E-Hug! Mmmmmmmmmmm, internet grope…


Categories: Uncategorized