Home > Uncategorized > All Hail Saint Caffiene

All Hail Saint Caffiene

Oh lord, I just downed a cup of cold coffee that was sitting on my desk (i.e. cheaply made Swedish crap box) for about a half an hour and I feel like I’m going to throw up. So instead of  vomiting my dinner, I will vomit up a story in a poor excuse for a blog post.


Long ago in ancient times, there lived a young squire named Roland McDerment. Roland was the yound ward to a mighty and noble Knight, whose name was Sir Kilganon Wolfsbain. But this story is not about either of them.


Instead, sit back and I will tell you a story about a  young man named Flabslapper, and his adventourous journey through the Land of the Internet!


One fateful day Flabslapper was hanging out in his room playing Nightmare Creatures on his Nintendo 64 and listening to Offspring when he heard a knocking at the door.


“Who doth knocketh on my chamber door?” questioned Flabslapper.

“It be thine humble Package Deliverer my Lord.” the man answered.

Elated, Flabslapper opened the door and lo! the Package Deliverer had a rather large box in wait.

“What be in thine box humble Package-keep?” Flabslapper inquired.

“It be thine Computer Machine my Lord.”

“Egad! But I did not expect such a wondrous surprise today!” exclaimed Flabslapper.

“Look kid you gonna sign for this thing or you going to keep acting all queer ye old English on me all day?” asked the Mail Mage angrily.

“But of coarse my dear sir!”

As Flabslapper signed the Envelope Knight’s magic lightning tome, the Mail Magician left post haste on his winged steed.


Left alone on the front porch, Flabslapper proceded to install the Magic Box that would lead him to the world which was made of equal parts peril and covetus treaasure: The Land of the Internet!


After many hours of sweating over diagrams of color-coded wizardry, Flabslapper finally turned on the electronic beast. But what to do first? Surely this was not Flabslapper’s first time in the Internet, but those other times he was part of a band of heroes, who boldly infiltrated “Chat Rooms” and pretended to be women so as to uncover dark secrets from the men who were also pretending to be women that resided inside.


But this time young Flabslapper was alone! Luckily,  he remembered what another young adventurer had told him: “When entering yonder Internets, go in search of Pornography, it’s the only thing you’ll ever need.”


On aproaching the site, Flabslapper was taken aback my the wonton nudity and expicit sexual acts depicted there in.


“Ye Gods!” exclaimed Flabslapper, “No longer will I need to resort to watching Spanish Soap Operas, and perusing yonder Sears catalogue for my penile needs! Hazaah!”

And thus young Flabslapper’s love affiar of the Pornagraphic arts flurished for many years!


This concludes my cold coffee ramblings for tonight, tune in next time for when I foolishly drink my entire supply of Simpsons and Nintendo energy drinks!

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Dan
    March 25, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    Do you always ramble like this when you have caffeine? 😉

  2. flabslapper
    March 29, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    Yes, if I drink a lot of coffee I get really chatty, forget about if I happen to drink a energy drink, I become belligerent,like Six from Blossom

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