Home > Uncategorized > Sorry, No Anime Bad-Ass Today

Sorry, No Anime Bad-Ass Today

I was going to write about Roger Smith from Big O, but it’s now 10:40 PM and I don’t really feel like it. I’ll probably just push the week over and write about his tomorrow though.

He’s the Japanese Batman.

I just wanted to bust out a stream of consciousness tonight, just write about anything that came into my fucked up head. A sort of adventure into tedium I guess.

I read a news article today about the The Chile earthquake knocking the Earth all out of wack on it’s axis and shortening the length of the day.

I saw this and was all like “Holy shit! Three hours of day light mother fuckers! The creatures of the night shall inherit the Earth!”

It shortened the day by 1.26 microseconds.  Who fucking cares? I mean, I get it, it’s a big deal as far as an earthquake being able to knock the Earth around in space by 3 inches, but so what? There are bigger things to worry about people! I wonder how much fucking money was wasted on the goddamn satellite used to measure that insignificant bullshit.

I’ve decided to write some short stories based around my sexual experiences. Short stories because I haven’t had that many BA-ZING!

Super seriously though, I thought it might be fun to write about sex, or specifically, scenes revolving around sex. I realize that this shit might come cheesy but I don’t really care.

I would like to take this time to talk about something else that really fries my balls, and that is awkward sex scenes in movies.

Honestly, I could go on forever about PG-13 and R rated sex in movies. It’s never ‘hot’ and completely embarrasses me when I’m trying to watch a movie.

Take the first Terminator movie for example. Awesome movie, it was a great concept that was directed extremely well, and had great actors in it. I believe Schwarzenegger should have been cast in every roll, but I guess the technology hadn’t caught up yet to have more than one Arnie on the screen at one time.

But this leads me to the sex scene between big 80’s hair side boob Sarah Conner and Snake from NES Metal Gear.

Think about this scene, was it really necessary? I understand why it was in the movie. Spoiler alert, but Reese is John Conner’s father. But I find the scene horrifically awkward. Sex in a movie does not equal love development between two characters.  Just having them go to bed together and fading to black would have sufficed.

The reason I don’t like explicit sex in movies is because it distracts me from the story. It’s just like how I hate those pornography movies.  I watch pornography as a means to an end. I watch porn to jerk-off and eventually ejaculate, not watch $1,000,000,000 pornographic remake of Pirates of the Caribbean!

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I do like to draw out my ‘alone time’ over the course of maybe an hour, but that is through the rapid consumption of copious amounts of 5 minute clips and naked cartoon ladies; I am not trying to beat it to a chick giving a handjob and then the camera cuts to a guy writing his fucking memoirs and discussing life for 20 minutes to then segway to some asshole cable guy fixing the sink as a woman watches his butt crack and feels up her fake tits. I want to wax my dolphin, not wax philosophical with some broad pretending to be a doctor!

Which brings me to another random point: pornography is disgusting.

What? Yes you heard me. The majority of pornography out there that jumps straight to good ol’ fucking is down right horrible to behold. Maybe I just have specific tastes, but is it really nessicary to have a girl giving a handjob, and have the guy fucking talking through the whole thing? And then for the idiot camera man to talk to the guy, and zoom in on the guy’s face SO YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE THE GIRL ANYMORE, and then after all that, the guy will jerk himself off into the girl’s mouth, and she fucking drools it all over herself like a goddman paraplegic!

Is it too much to ask for to have a girl give a hand job and finish the guy off HERSELF onto her breasts? I ask you! Honestly porn industry I do not need extreme close ups of a girl’s, or a guy’s pimply asshole. Oh, or better yet, zoom in on the girl’s running make-up to really drive home that she is crying. Crying prostitutes never fail to make my dick hard, let me tell you sarcasm.

So there is no middle ground! you either have pornography that is three hour long pirate epics with chicks that have fake breasts. Oh don’t even get me started on fake tits! Why the fuck would anyone ever do that to themselves? First off, they look horrendous. They point in different directions like if their mad at each other! They don’t fucking move. The point of big titties is to watch them fucking wind mill when you are giving it your all to another consenting adult.

And what the hell is wrong with small breasts anyway? I’ve never been, but chicks with small breasts sort of fascinate me. None of that matters because I am an ass man anyway. Big butts all the way, the bigger the better. There is nothing better than a girl with a thin waist and a big ol’ booty. I see large breasts as a bonus really.

Wow that went completely nowhere. I actually talk about this stuff daily, I try to work it into daily conversation whenever possible, I’ve just never devoted an entire post to it before.

So now all you loyal readers know a little bit more about me. Let’s break it down into bullet points.

– Hates NASA

– Hates sex scenes in stories

– Hates stories in sex scenes

– Enjoys the Stop & Go method

– And last but not least:

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